Diagnostic Essays

ORIGINAL

As a child I watched a lot of cartoons about superheroes. I used to daydream about what it would be like to swing from building to building like Spiderman or fly above the city like Superman. Back then I would have given anything to have powers like those. Even today I still occasionally catch myself thinking about what it would be like to have some sort of supernatural ability and what it would be like to wake up different than I am now. If I could wake up tomorrow with the power of my choice like in my fantasies, I would want to be able to travel over any distance instantaneously.

Being able to teleport would make my life so much easier. I would no longer have to be in such a rush to learn how to drive or depend on my friends and family for rides. Buying a car could be put off for a while longer or all together. Getting to school would also be so much easier because I would not have to get up as early to get to class on time. An extra half hour in bed would be such a luxury, and not having to depend on car rides would mean that I would not have to risk being late when I could not leave on time. I could travel the world, finally able to see all the ruins I have read about without all the travel expenses. Places like Rome, the Mayan Temples, and the Great Wall would suddenly be minutes away instead of thousands of miles.

When traveling independently, teleportation would be the perfect mode of transportation. The time saved traveling would give me more time for other things and save me a lot of money. I may not end up being much of a superhero, but I definitely would not mind finding myself with such a power.

REVISED

At the beginning of the semester my English instructor assigned a diagnostic essay that provided several prompts to choose from. I chose the third, which allowed for me to choose a superpower and explain what I would do with it. The ability I chose was for entirely selfish reasons. While I have always loved superheroes, I decided if I was given the chance to have a super ability I wouldn’t want to actually become one. I wanted something that would only serve to improve my own life. I chose teleportation. Honestly, I couldn’t think of anything more convenient. I could slow down on learning how to drive, or forgo it all together. The idea of driving really scares me, and I already try to avoid it at all costs. Being able to travel instantaneously would also mean I could skip the whole buying a car thing which would put quite a bit of money back in my pocket which could go towards other things like household repairs and improvements. I really want a new stove.

I didn’t choose the power with anything other than convenience in mind, so when my instructor assigned a revision of the essay a couple of weeks ago to post on a blog I did what I do best; I procrastinated. How was I supposed to expand on what I already wrote? I said what I wanted to say about teleportation; it would save me money, allow for travel, and let me sleep in. What more was there? I doubted I could take over the world with that sort of power, and I completely lack the desire to do so anyway. At first, I briefly considered writing a narrative on how I might acquire the power based on a nightmare I had when I was six involving aliens, lobsters and a magnet school. That idea fell through fairly quickly when I realized that past the lobsters, I had no real suitable ending for such a story. I couldn’t even fit the lobsters in that well, and I really wanted them in the story.

Then it hit me! If I could just appear and disappear at will then I could easily become an assassin or something else equally worthy of an action movie. It would be impossible to catch me -- even if someone managed to get me into a prison I could always just poof my way out. Of course, it might be a bit of a stretch since I’m a pacifist and would never want to kill anybody. That being only a minor detail, I began to work again.

It, too, fell through when once again I was left drawing a blank at the conclusion. I sank into a spiraling depression as it reminded me of how I always leave everything until the last minute, and rarely finish anything I start.

“Why am I so cursed?” I screamed very dramatically after my second failed attempt, and was answered only by a blank document and a blinking cursor. To me, it was a sign that I should go back to procrastinating. After all, the laundry needed to be folded and the television needed to be watched.

I managed to keep myself thoroughly distracted in such a manner until today, a few days before the revised essay is due and the end of the semester. I have come to accept that I am neither noble enough to be a hero nor evil enough to be a villain, and so any story I wrote involving either would lack the realism I require from fiction. I have also learned, over the course of writing this blog entry, that I have a real tendency towards exaggerating the truth so perhaps my stories would have turned out just fine had I simply stopped watching Doctor Who on BBC and thought up an ending for either of them. I can only hope you leave this blog wondering what a teleporting assassin who acquired her powers from alien lobsters might have been like. Then I hope you decide to write down what you imagine so everyone else can find out. I would really like to see how it ends.